and i know i'm ripping his heart out.
but even when it's in my hands i don't know what to do with it.
too young.
i feel like and idiot,
but so do you.
if you can't laugh about it, it's not worth doing right?
oh and i'm laughing
laughing at myself.
i'll never remember what i was thinking.
this whole world and my brain stopped rotating.
but i suppose everyone goes through that.
frankly, i don't want to plan my future.
i just want to go.
not think.
apparently i am going blind folded by expectations,
i don't know what i want,
and everything seems worth it.
and i know i'm ripping my heart out.
never could think straight anyways.
goose bumps and desires.
dead stopped by a brain i created.
i'm talking myself apart.
why?
i want everything to appear.
is that asking too much?
at least i know what i'm like.
not anticipating my next move
laughing about my feelings.
and with my heart in my hands,
i know what i'm doing.
Monday, February 3, 2014
10-16-98
Cramps.
A pain inside.
A throbbing ache.
A mystery of my body.
The nausea, the stinging.
The confused fatigue.
My pulse pounding my head.
My blood crawling
I can feel the core, I can pin point,
But I can't make it stop.
It starts inside, and suddenly as if a giant eraser was coming down, I go pale.
Then the warmth to my hands and forehead.
And my skin grows needles that poke around underneath everything.
No position can escape it.
Nothing I do dulls it. POP!
Pop the pills. So at least I interpret it as a muffled piercing,
taunting, making me crazy, pain.
Then shaking, and curling, crying and sweating, vomiting and praying
I enter the next stage of PMS.
Sometimes it's easy to explain, but at times like these you can pick up the phone and begin speaking before you dial.
Your chariot is missing a wheel, and the horse has a cold.
Such is fate.
And the brain,
without a heart no words make sense.
Without the feeling you bring...
and it's raining,
on your umbrella.
A pain inside.
A throbbing ache.
A mystery of my body.
The nausea, the stinging.
The confused fatigue.
My pulse pounding my head.
My blood crawling
I can feel the core, I can pin point,
But I can't make it stop.
It starts inside, and suddenly as if a giant eraser was coming down, I go pale.
Then the warmth to my hands and forehead.
And my skin grows needles that poke around underneath everything.
No position can escape it.
Nothing I do dulls it. POP!
Pop the pills. So at least I interpret it as a muffled piercing,
taunting, making me crazy, pain.
Then shaking, and curling, crying and sweating, vomiting and praying
I enter the next stage of PMS.
Sometimes it's easy to explain, but at times like these you can pick up the phone and begin speaking before you dial.
Your chariot is missing a wheel, and the horse has a cold.
Such is fate.
And the brain,
without a heart no words make sense.
Without the feeling you bring...
and it's raining,
on your umbrella.
3-4-99
Base and Columbus
Pathways cross...
On islands of sand
A collision of hears
beating.
Each rain storm brews on the sky's brain.
Interacting with heavens of light.
Dance on watery, trickling beads.
Nothing sweeter than the first time.
Across the room he stands.
Only corners...
Pushed together from unfiltered eyes.
Middle, end, lost in the quakes.
Souls beating.
Just close all eyes.
Kiss her.
Storm the hands across the desired body of love.
Pathways cross...
In a room of lights.
Colliding just in time...
beating.
Pathways cross...
On islands of sand
A collision of hears
beating.
Each rain storm brews on the sky's brain.
Interacting with heavens of light.
Dance on watery, trickling beads.
Nothing sweeter than the first time.
Across the room he stands.
Only corners...
Pushed together from unfiltered eyes.
Middle, end, lost in the quakes.
Souls beating.
Just close all eyes.
Kiss her.
Storm the hands across the desired body of love.
Pathways cross...
In a room of lights.
Colliding just in time...
beating.
3-17-99
Why is it mocking me?
Why every time I plan out a moment in my head something happens, and its ruined?
Is it that I'm suppose d to just go with my feeling,
and not anticipate what's going to happen
That would work if I knew what I was feeling.
Only because I try to differentiate between feel, and want.
I know what I want.
I want to jump.
Just to feel like I'm falling again.
I'm too stubborn to give up.
Hopefully they don't give up for me.
Life isn't perfect,
but it can resemble perfection sometimes.
I must be looking the wrong way.
(Happy St. Patricks Day)
Why every time I plan out a moment in my head something happens, and its ruined?
Is it that I'm suppose d to just go with my feeling,
and not anticipate what's going to happen
That would work if I knew what I was feeling.
Only because I try to differentiate between feel, and want.
I know what I want.
I want to jump.
Just to feel like I'm falling again.
I'm too stubborn to give up.
Hopefully they don't give up for me.
Life isn't perfect,
but it can resemble perfection sometimes.
I must be looking the wrong way.
(Happy St. Patricks Day)
12-7-98
Populations.
It is all
then begins nothing
blue skies are engulfed by grey clouds
frothy, fast moving in like foam to the shore
buildings grow like trees
silence consumed by cars
air replaced with deadly toxic fumes, gas and vapor
more money, less liveliness
it is nothing
then begins all
life continues to form again
in shadows of bigger and better
man produced chemicals are called miracles
yet the continual breakdown of rocks, to water, to soil, to life is not a miracle,
because we understand how it works?
patience is that two seconds before someone pulls the trigger
helpfulness is leaving someone alone
when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere
but as long as no one speaks nothing will be said
and the tree is not heard if you are not listening
the cars can come and go
the business can BOOM and then break
life goes on
nothing is all
all is up to nothing
It is all
then begins nothing
blue skies are engulfed by grey clouds
frothy, fast moving in like foam to the shore
buildings grow like trees
silence consumed by cars
air replaced with deadly toxic fumes, gas and vapor
more money, less liveliness
it is nothing
then begins all
life continues to form again
in shadows of bigger and better
man produced chemicals are called miracles
yet the continual breakdown of rocks, to water, to soil, to life is not a miracle,
because we understand how it works?
patience is that two seconds before someone pulls the trigger
helpfulness is leaving someone alone
when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere
but as long as no one speaks nothing will be said
and the tree is not heard if you are not listening
the cars can come and go
the business can BOOM and then break
life goes on
nothing is all
all is up to nothing
10-16-98
Hook, line and sinker
It's kind of like when you catch a fish and trow it back because it's too small.
Dating is fishing.
Certain bait attracts certain fish.
Just like with men.
And the person holding the pole has no real clue what they're doing.
So when they get the right fish they are blind to the face,
Love must be like eating the best fish in the world,
because all you've had before seems like tuna.
It's kind of like when you catch a fish and trow it back because it's too small.
Dating is fishing.
Certain bait attracts certain fish.
Just like with men.
And the person holding the pole has no real clue what they're doing.
So when they get the right fish they are blind to the face,
Love must be like eating the best fish in the world,
because all you've had before seems like tuna.
11-7-95
I bet you never knew that when I want to feel you all I do is press my hand to the window and hope you're doing the same.
I sit awake at night and tell you everything.
I know youre' not there, but I hope you are hearing me.
Anyways, I look into the darkness forever to see if my heart has flown away.
Still it says.
I hope you'll take it
I never try to make you know how I feel.
I just hope you can somehow understand.
If it never happens I'll be sad.
All these things...
And when upon this new stare,
I can tell I want these things I feel more than anything.
I don't want to die without,
but neither live without.
What can I do but hope you'll give me what I need.
I sit awake at night and tell you everything.
I know youre' not there, but I hope you are hearing me.
Anyways, I look into the darkness forever to see if my heart has flown away.
Still it says.
I hope you'll take it
I never try to make you know how I feel.
I just hope you can somehow understand.
If it never happens I'll be sad.
All these things...
And when upon this new stare,
I can tell I want these things I feel more than anything.
I don't want to die without,
but neither live without.
What can I do but hope you'll give me what I need.
4-23-99
His eyes were sinking down.
His smile fading back like a boomerang frown,
and I over my cup of coffee and cigarettes prefer to lie.
Prefer to think of it as nothing.
It's been nothing.
My feeling cannot change. and I don't feel awful.
I'll just go smoke another cigarette.
He looks into my eyes and he want so feel
He wants to experience something unique, and wondrous with me.
But we both know it can never happen.
We've felt this way for too long, and the hunt is better than the kill.
So I'll just smoke another cigarette.
He reaches out and grabs my hand. The king of swift moves.
Maybe, but it's to fast to see who is really reaching,
and his face becomes blurred.
The only clear feature are the ones I imagined.
So I'll just smoke another cigarette.
He plays me a song and I think,
this is the one.
But the song was for himself.
And he may still think of me when he plays it,
but it was his hands searching for a clear tune through life.
And we can dance,
but the air clears before we're even done pretending.
Ill smoke another cigarette.
He is somewhere,
and he looks into me.
Sometimes he touches the ground like a dream.
He loves the sunrise,
and the wind.
He is poetry and musk.
But, like I said he's somewhere.
Oh well, we'll smoke cigarettes.
His smile fading back like a boomerang frown,
and I over my cup of coffee and cigarettes prefer to lie.
Prefer to think of it as nothing.
It's been nothing.
My feeling cannot change. and I don't feel awful.
I'll just go smoke another cigarette.
He looks into my eyes and he want so feel
He wants to experience something unique, and wondrous with me.
But we both know it can never happen.
We've felt this way for too long, and the hunt is better than the kill.
So I'll just smoke another cigarette.
He reaches out and grabs my hand. The king of swift moves.
Maybe, but it's to fast to see who is really reaching,
and his face becomes blurred.
The only clear feature are the ones I imagined.
So I'll just smoke another cigarette.
He plays me a song and I think,
this is the one.
But the song was for himself.
And he may still think of me when he plays it,
but it was his hands searching for a clear tune through life.
And we can dance,
but the air clears before we're even done pretending.
Ill smoke another cigarette.
He is somewhere,
and he looks into me.
Sometimes he touches the ground like a dream.
He loves the sunrise,
and the wind.
He is poetry and musk.
But, like I said he's somewhere.
Oh well, we'll smoke cigarettes.
11-27-98
I bend every way until I break,
and I know you don't want to listen to what I have to say.
Because "hey", I might, for once be right.
It's never over until the end.
I have started something that will solder itself to your brain,
and rust forever.
In patience there is that one thing.
Until I find it I can never let go.
You repeat the "what ifs" and the "we should ofs"
What the hell are you talking about anyways?
It's all about you or nothing.
Everything is me
so you're screwed.
and I know you don't want to listen to what I have to say.
Because "hey", I might, for once be right.
It's never over until the end.
I have started something that will solder itself to your brain,
and rust forever.
In patience there is that one thing.
Until I find it I can never let go.
You repeat the "what ifs" and the "we should ofs"
What the hell are you talking about anyways?
It's all about you or nothing.
Everything is me
so you're screwed.
??????
It's late, but it's always late.
I think about you all through the night.
My heart in my head.
Interfering with my dreams.
When you call me and whisper "hello"
Somehow that tells me you have been thinking of me.
No one in this world could ever make me stop thinking about you...when it's late.
If we didn't have dreams how could we look at each other the way we do.
No one but you to share the future and past with.
How could this be anything but an obstacle.
I love you even without the night.
Even without day.
If there was no time I would still feel the same.
It's right.
I can tell by the sound of your voice when you say "hello".
Maybe it's time to believe in wishes.
All the myths that make dreams come true.
The sun is always shining.
The rain can't always fall, but look at the way it makes us feel.
Just smile when the rainbow is slashed across the sky.
Close your eyes and see me in the night...when it's late.
And you can't sleep.
It will almost be real.
Stay there with me, lost in the memory of me.
Time will go slow, and let you cry,
let you laugh.
Maybe even lie with me, while the day slips away.
I only know I will never change my feelings for you.
I know I'll always need you.
Thinking of me, wanting to stay with me in a dream forever.
December 1994
I think about you all through the night.
My heart in my head.
Interfering with my dreams.
When you call me and whisper "hello"
Somehow that tells me you have been thinking of me.
No one in this world could ever make me stop thinking about you...when it's late.
If we didn't have dreams how could we look at each other the way we do.
No one but you to share the future and past with.
How could this be anything but an obstacle.
I love you even without the night.
Even without day.
If there was no time I would still feel the same.
It's right.
I can tell by the sound of your voice when you say "hello".
Maybe it's time to believe in wishes.
All the myths that make dreams come true.
The sun is always shining.
The rain can't always fall, but look at the way it makes us feel.
Just smile when the rainbow is slashed across the sky.
Close your eyes and see me in the night...when it's late.
And you can't sleep.
It will almost be real.
Stay there with me, lost in the memory of me.
Time will go slow, and let you cry,
let you laugh.
Maybe even lie with me, while the day slips away.
I only know I will never change my feelings for you.
I know I'll always need you.
Thinking of me, wanting to stay with me in a dream forever.
December 1994
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