07/21/2008

like your parachute
i open up
and guide you down
through trees and heavy winds
like a blanket i wrap you up
and keep you from weather
keep you from cold
but like a human i forget
and like an imperfect thing
i do what i should not
like we have danced these steps before
you move accordingly and i only just stumble
but together
we are like that moment
the finger first touches the cord
music

_________________________________________________________
he leaves when he is pushed against the wall of her heart and the bottom of his pride
he shattered into small shards of tears and anger
spraying about towards her
and she wonders why
she cannot understand how she rips at him
because she has never ached for someone
knows nothing of the way someone can make your whole body quake and tremble
as he is picking himself up to run
he drags his feet hoping she will pull him back
with words and promises
but silence delivers the final blow
and he is flung far away
where no one can find him

07/21/2008

she is swimming out into the sea
she is exploding all the bridges in her mind
so he can not cross anymore
and between the tears in her eyes and the anchor he is holding in her heart

i swear she is drowning
the positive part of her sink
fast
and all the negatives float around her
and she can not avoid them
her own emotional hurricane
raging and lashing out
she knows to tread water lightly
but often she does not yield to her own knowledge

july 2008

in the smallest of things we find the greatest of rewards
in small instances we are brought face to face with our demons
and the chance to move past to the next
we forget how precious the small things are
we only want the big
the instant
the grandeur and glory
instead of finding such delight in the grain of sand

oh how much we take for granted
how much we forget to give thanks for
and how easy and fulfilling it is to love
and it can be such a small thing
showing you love someone
respecting someone
small amounts of effort bring large reward
the smallest seed can bring so much growth
focus on the small things to be grateful for
small things to count as blessings

06/23/2008

the world as we know it

i do not care for much

the world before simplicity

the world before short cuts and selling out

when is it we lost all virtue in humanity?

when we settle for poverty and the day to day rat race

we are not taught to look at those in need

but to shun them

we are taught fear of those who are different

either by birth or choice

and who are we to be making these decisions

when our utmost law is supposed to be love

love and the ultimate acceptance and forgiveness

love people who seem hardest to love

not to judge or interpret

we are to do so much 

comfort and pray for those bitter and in need of a soft heart

anyone who needs help 

whether it is a smile they need

or money, or food, or shelter

you are obligated to assist

and if everyone were taught that

if everyone practiced that

if people really did those things

and remained humble

i could probably like a wold like that

05/27/2008

it is like the shore after a hurricane
beaten down by debris
and everyone scrambling
to salvage the few things left behind
a blank canvas with traces from the picture before
steady we go along
stronger, but burdened with weakness and suspicion
i am breaking free from our past
but i can not diminish the images
you walk around my thoughts
wandering and lost
until i find you

02/16/2008

there something silent in all the screaming
a quiet and unsaid fact
when two souls connect
they are rarely ever able to untangle themselves completely
so i am here silently screaming to you from within
waiting for you to let me know you hear me
to let me know we are still connected
and in the most silent of ways i hear you
and i know it is so
__________________________________________________________
the puzzle of my heart is missing some pieces
since you left
it is so, that i can not get it back together
can not get it to work right
once you get shattered i guess nothing fits right again
but i believe in rebuilding
i believe in love
and the strength of the soul
and the power people pull from deep within
rebuild the puzzle
rework these edges to fit
and things will always
work themselves out

hold my hand 2008

you held my hand
while we walked around the park
leaves rustling, water lapping
you held my hand
as i looked in your eyes and we promised forever
you held my hand
while our son entered the world
and i was frantic and in pain
you held my hand
as we watched the kids open their presents christmas mornings
you held my hand
as you told me your secrets and fears
and then i told you mine
you held my hand

02/10/2008

people hurt us all the time
people lie and cheat
we are flawed and selfish
we can not go back
only forward
but sometimes we just sit still
because sometimes we do not know how to move
sometimes things are so different than we imagined
and people will never stop hurting each other
and they can try to not lie
still we are people
but for an instance i was more to you
for an instance you gave me your whole heart
and i gave you mine
but we are people
and you want to move forward
and leave me in  this past

02/10/2008

the cloud is over your head
looming darkness
where did your sun go?
where is that light which glows in you?
did you lock her up where she can not radiate?
rain, grey blur of bottled pain
let it fall
let her out to move those clouds
it is hard to be a half
once we have been whole
pull from deep
and let it fall
push warmth to your heart
let her in
glowing with that love
surrounding you
with more than you know what to do with
so let it fall on you
let her hold you now
in the light

02/07//2008

and it all goes

even if you don't love me

i still breath, i still feel

i still love

it goes on a little different

a little echo from the emptiness

but it is going

i am walking, taking steps

and holding my head high

and my heart is mending

searching it needs to be held

and i know someday it will

whether you are here or not

_________________________________

this is the last time i cry about the same ole thing

this is the last time i scream your name

and get no answer

this is the last time i hurt

and search 

and crave your touch 

while you sit there and deny me

whats rightfully mine

this the the last time

i gotta go, move on

move on

i gotta love

and feel some warmth

i gotta run into something all encompassing and infatuating

this is the last time

i cry

02/01/2008

you say you love, and you stay

you say you want me, and you touch

you are shivering

and how do i explain this to myself

i say i love you, and i stay

i say i want you, then i touch

i am alive in your arms

why feel bad

_______________________________________

you fall soft like snow to the ground

you start glowing when i touch you

radiant in this light

you are burning for the feeling of being one

i see you so scar and alluring

please tread light over this mine field  i have placed around  heart

i am reaching for you in darkness

i am so blind, i am so alone here

_______________________________________

the steps we've taken lay behind us

and we can see where we've been

the steps we are taking now

how exciting

to leap together 

finally reaching a stride we can both keep

a journey 

a hike through daily wilderness

sunflower 02/2008

where is the sunflower?
the red light
the ice
turn
stop
where are the pennies
the days of expense
welcome to america
thank you freedom
forgive us nature
sorry tomorrow
turn
stop
ignorance

nature 2008

oh sunlight
creeping over tree tops
in vibrant streams
of moistened light
crawl over shadows
devour dark
warm slowly these enchanted days
the frost a shiny glaze
waiting to slide away into the air
__________________________________________
Over rocks the river runs
cold
free
flowing
raging and pounding
she beats the shore
and he holds on tight
she wears him down
as she becomes bigger
he loses his soft sand
and it is replaced with gravel and pebbles
____________________________________________

grow on me like moss
like an old tree sitting shaded from sunlight
whose leaves hang like ivy to the ground
grow on me
like dust settles on old photos
and untouched objects
grow, reach
and complete me
just wrap and engulf me
when we reach the invisible lights
at the end of time
we are so entangled
and melded we remain as one
as a single possession of time

run away 01/25/2008

run away
cause if you stay
there are no guarantees
there is no way to foresee the future
run away if my promise, my oath, my vow, and my words are not enough
to quiet your doubts
run to another so you feel wanted
so you feel surged
so you feel
run away from me crying, me pleading, me begging
stay for yourself
because you see your life no other way
stay for yourself
because you are committed to me
as I to you
but run if its for me
run if you do not crave my touch and my presence
run to me with want and desire overwhelming your heart
run to me free of doubt
with blind belief
no one knows what mystery life holds
but day by precious day
watching our children grow
we find what we were running to

01/25/2008

how is it to be blind to passion?

how is it to be deaf to your souls cries?

so numb, so solid it is like turning into stone

becoming our own prison

where happiness is captive

the energy from you sparks like static when you touch me

and i open myself to you invitingly

and you come in

in to the flame, the desire 

and it engulfs you

yet for some reason you are denying us that pleasure

you are afraid 

and that fear controls you

in mourning of our love

i wait for it to rise from the ashes

kneeling on the ground

where we stood

aflame

miss you

miss the small kiss to the side of my mouth
miss you jumping up in the middle of the night
miss you rubbing the small of my back
miss you looking at me, straight to my core
miss your lisp
miss your crazy big daddy kisses
miss the snuggle bug time
miss you dissecting your dinner
miss you

miss the extra laundry and the small hairs always in the sink
miss you clipping your nails, and your abnormal toes
miss you fussing over your skin
miss you running to me and tackling a hug out
miss the notes
miss dinner time together
miss movies together
miss back rubs
miss you

miss you groping me
miss you hitting snooze
miss you brushing your teeth for ten minutes
miss you pushing me to have fun and be myself
miss reading with you
miss developing a healthy relationship
miss talking...really miss talking
miss that brent laugh, and neck kisses
miss you

let's pretend 01/21/2008

there is only right now
this moment
these feelings
if people could see past this moment it would be peaceful
a calm, if we learned to truly live more than the here and now
it would make sense
in our battle of selflessness we wouldn't have a choice
we live for ourselves whether we admit it or not
i want to look only at tomorrow,
maybe then
i could change today
_________________________________________________
silent world, except for a faint heartbeat
tap and pound
beat by beat
all still, all silent
i hear you

01/21/2008

nowhere in a circle is there an out
i find myself next to myself
starting again and again
not me, not me

nowhere in your thoughts am i
no trace of that addiction that had you curled up craving more
not me, no, not me

erase time
find that place when we met
nowhere
erase me from your past
nowhere, because to me you are everywhere
and i know i can do nothing more
but circle in thoughts because now
its not me, not me
not me in your arms, not me

01/21/2008

withered leaves falling after the hard freeze
delicate swivel to the ice
dance wind through the bare branches
you left her nothing

breeze be gentle to the ground
pricked by frost
we slide to that chilly place

warmth so deep below the surface
too deep to thaw these things
frozen for a time
until the sun comes back around

green buds pop out of nowhere
the miracle of heat and foundation
grow

2008

behind his eyes

in that lagoon

he threw me

he ran far away from the feeling and words

he ran from desire and pain

and when he stopped i was there again

escaped from my prison

deep inside i am

deep in a crevasse far in the depths of his heart

and when he remembers that i will grow

and he will look at me head on

instead of putting me behind his eyes

______________________________________________

love

you cruel wicked temptress

love

you cold complicated emotion

so full 

and then

so empty

with fleeting desires

oh love

you echo the souls intent

but never embrace the moments

you mock those caught in your spell 

and leave them full of desire and despair

how i appreciate your presence in my life

that i may feel this fire

this much

cruel but necessary 

love

january 2008

fragile i sit here on this ledge, waiting
ready to jump with you
ready to free fall into the unknown
but i also have to be ready to get down
and walk away if you decide this isn't what you want

on this ledge i stripped myself in front of you
i took it all off
i opened myself to you
and you came in, but only for a moment
then you said to wait

wait here for you
but i am naked, and cold, and unsure
because i didn't see that look in your eyes
i'm afraid i am jumping alone
i am afraid you are never coming back
how to calm my curious heart

i see us together
i see you taking me like a whirlwind in your arms
and spinning with me, but i have to wait
lock my heart up momentarily
and stand naked for you,
waiting...

07/2002

committed, saying to you now, i will never leave
i will never bolt
when things get tough
i will take your hand and run into troubled times
right next to you

next to you, where i belong
where i long to stay
to laugh with, to love, to make love,
to hold your whole soul next to mine
spinning together upwards and over time

committed, to myself,
 you are all i want in a lover, in a partner, in a husband

not for paper, not for legal, for my heart

01/06/2008

there are no excuses
there are no regrets
there is a lifetime of thank yous and smiles
you have given me so much
___________________________________________________

i have been running for years
running and sprinting so far from myself
i am a streak across my past

you slowed me down
you held a mirror to me
and piece by piece i started to see myself
you are magical and amazing

you see so deeply into me
i feel so transparent in front of you
hold me to you
hold me deer
embrace this tethered heart
please stay here with me
_____________________________________________

stitch me up with your words
to create a whole person again

i am torn
i am empty
i can not find my way
i have stopped

stopped moving
stopped caring
stopped

why  breathe when every breath i take pierces my heart
why open my eyes when all i see is darkness
why pretend to live when i do not retain a heart

i just want to sit
silent
and wait
i want it all to stop
i want nothing to be all i am
a memory is all i feel
a haunting
shadow to your life
floating and see through
empty and only instances

i am only a cold wind blown by you
so try to patch me up
but i am never to be whole again

01/06/2008

when your eyes light up and you are lost in thoughts
i feel my lungs collapse
i can not breath
i do not want to
i am breathless
and want the beating in my chest to stop
want to have a thousand anchors attached to me
and be tossed into the center of the ocean
i can not think of any other word
but hollow
i feel as though my head is full of tears
that release themselves uncontrollably
when i look at you
but all these things i can not let you see
for i know i am poison to you
because i am held down by my conscience
and only escape it for small moments
but even my conscience is condemned
because i am aflame when you are near
and it takes all the joy in me to fight it
what is this life without you
what is day to day if i am not afire next to you
feeding off of your touch and words
i am an abandoned island warm and alone
i am yearning for you

01/06/2008

You have shaken up my soul
and I feel scattered all along our past.
So separate from myself.

I have, with every moment,
handed you a piece of my heart.

And as you are pulling yourself away
I can see my heart piece by piece
being left in your footsteps.

But regardless, my heart is yours
and I don't know how I feel without it.
Thinking of you with someone
makes my stomach turn and go sour.

Bitter and aching I cannot stop crying.
I can not stop retracing our lives
and can not stop being pulled to you
like a magnet.

I am burning for you
and want to forsake myself if it means
someday dying in your arms.
Forever you have my heart.

And I am lost to feeling without it.

10/21/2006

Soft the air
Quiet my heart
Slow the gaze
Pull me in
Breathless the moment
Faint the touch
Pounding in a sensation
All over me
_____________________________________________________

11/19/2006

I happened that I fell in love with you
without knowing.
Though, it happened some time ago in my subconscious.
Every time I see you I realize it.
It is a warmth that starts in my fingers and crawls in to my head.
And I remember you
with the eyes, and the smile, and the breath
and I didn't even know it then.
But I keep you in my subconscious for the meantime,
just keeping me warm
________________________________________________________

It is twilight skies and wind dancing with leaves
Smell the rain and watch the shuttering trees
She at a window, a doorway dark and drawn back
Trees covering horizons
Chasing along the edge
With her eyes

10/08/2006

What are we really trying to understand?
The path we are on?
The past we have lived?
The reasons we choose our fate,
yet cannot predict the future?
If only we can understand what we were trying to,
then maybe we would know the answers.
______________________________________________

10/21/2006

Where do we hide in ourselves, when a part of us goes away?
I know I used to look at things so differently,
but now everything is the same.
It all turns to you.
You, I have hid deep inside so no one knows you are there.
And although I hint to you
and in my dreams, when my eyes are closed,
I go to you. No one knows.
Here, when I am finding myself
I have to keep it all hidden.
How cruel reality can be when it want you.
Sometimes I can feel you pulling me
back inside.
I have to break free
to make sure I do not lose myself
in that place.
The right decisions laugh at me
while I walk away with the wrong.
I am so bewildered at myself.
And all intentions are lost
because I am hiding
always hiding from myself.

07/24/2004

It is a heavy thick heat in the air.
Clinging to every pore of my body.
But it is more that the heat surrounding me.
I have separated myself
and am ambushing my brain with thoughts.
How responsibility buries you as you age.
I am constantly doubting my share of the load.
Not that my future is going to jump out and reveal itself,
but I do wish destiny would give me a call.
The complete lack of direction I feel is incredible.
I believe I knew more of my wants
when I knew less of myself.
I miss the freedom of recklessness.
Completely abandoning guilt.
I miss not hurting anyone with uncertainty.
____________________________________________________

he is a rock
a sturdy board of emotion
no where on this earth will take him from himself
put him in a state of bliss
except in the presence of us
his creation of closeness
we are the ever loving family
and he stays strong
as a foundation should be

03/25/2002

It's like you are sailing along on a boat, passing an island.
And you are the only one who decides to get off, something is pulling you there.
And you decide you love it,
 but everyone else just waves as the boat drifts further away.
And you are lonely,
but you have your island.
And your feet are warm in the sand.
And you could not be happier with the shore,
but you have a longing for everyone to feel the way you do.
And the island can not understand,
because it did not get to know them.
And the soft touch of their feet.
And the constant chattering of their voices.
And you are lonely even more.
But the island is home.
And you are now home.
And loneliness fades as you watch the sun rise.
You welcome the day new, and more open.
Just you and your island.

02/24/2002

As you walk away
there is something that drops into the pit of my stomach
and crawls around
until I see you next
And when I look at you
you seem like an exotic creature
from places beyond this world of day to day
you are that vessel that takes me away and releases me

02/20/2002

If there were words to explain the way I feel when we touch
they would have to be somewhat reflecting an earthquake
starting at your feet and rattling your soul
and when I look in your eyes there is nothing more I would rather do
than crawl inside and gaze out of that deep mystic blue
where your heartbeat soothes me
when i lay my head on your chest
and your warm body and embrace
reminds me to breathe

your breath hits my neck and sends a crawling shiver
down my arms and attacking me
 the pit of my stomach
dances when it hears your voice
but its hard to find all the words
to explain what you do to me

07/21/2008

while I was carving out your heart I got a splinter
while picking at my splinter I got a tear
when my tear fell I thought of you
and got more tears
and when I wiped my tears my splinter stung
and I stopped caring

11/22/2001

it's amazing the marks time leaves on you

seconds

and years begin to blend

there are times

constantly 

that I stop myself 

and tell myself to take this second in

because I want to remember this

when I hold my son tight to my chest

and feel him twisting my hair in his fingers

I cry

there is nothing more to say

I never want to forget that feeling

holding him

my life

my everything

the tiny thing that humbles me

and make me thankful and deserving

every second of this life

how meaningless a world without him would be

and he continually remains as my focus

I hope I can be true to him

sometimes it scares me

he is so precious

______________________________

my life has been spent waiting for people in almost every form

waiting...I guess it suits me

patiently holding out for things

aged things

slowly me

it becomes you

the silence

and patience

the small anticipation of every noise

11/22/2001

and I speak of him like I don't care
as if there were no memories of nights spent caressing
Then he calls her
and they can't say three words without arguing

when we were like two pieces of a puzzle that fit
and you long to have that kind of attachment and connection

then boom

it's gone and you both write stupid poetry and songs
about something you both pretend didn't happen
while she was bending over
he reached for me
as I go to return that
she sits up
and is between us again
and I turn and get lost walking away
identifying that I desperately want to look back
even though I know looking back will break my heart

and now its been months
and being this lonely is a fierce reminder of that pain
how do these feet even know where to go
when I know my head is just going through the motions of life

she speaks to him still
but he still doesn't remember your name
how does that work again?
maybe I am still broken

maybe i can't find what I look for
 when my eyes are a kaleidoscope of this world
there is hope that something
 will put everything into perspective

hold my breath until that happens
when my eyes are shut
everything is clear

11/02/2001

The air is wet against the grey.
Street lights illuminate the mist for several feet.
My head lights shine upward and out.
Bringing the trees to light.
You can see the leaves give in to the wind,
and season.
Autumn presents itself even in the night.
As I park and the lights go off I see the moon.
Full and brightened in the sky.
I love this time of year.
_______________________________________________

11/22/2001

There is only one spiral in my life
And I trace its curved path whenever I think I am on the right one
There is only one question that continually pops up when I look at you
But I can't even answer the simplest remarks
They all expect the most in the smallest amount of time
What can anyone do in thirty days
From thirty days when you knew what you were doing
So long ago
Where was I
Just when there were stars I could see
I ran back  to the city
How can solitude deliver me

10/25/2001

Did you see the way he looked at me?
Did you see how ice formed in the air between us?
Every encounter does about this much justice to us.
No resolutions, just regrets we are incapable of putting into words.
___________________________________________________

There is a clot in my brain,
and it's sort of like you.
Roaming around where its not wanted
and stopping all good things which might be.
I'd pound my head against the wall,
but there is no way any of this would end.
And in my defense I though I loved you.
Or felt something damn similar.
And in the greater scheme of things you were just an instance in my life.
A small, small instance.
What does that say about me?
Or about one's life?
When I cannot separate meaninglessness from lingering psychotics?

Am I Insane?

The very mention of neurotic inquires and I am all over it.
I drink coffee like a mad woman and I like a plaid pantry worker's eyes.
How crazy can one year get?
An extremely important disease entering,
when only I can say adieu.
how utterly sure can one person get?
When there is no way to start again
and you look at those pictures and actually think there could have been any other outcome
Crazy, crazy I'm tellin ya

She remembers 10/2001

"He is only in my distant past"
she exclaims
"He is only a relic of times far behind me"
she insists
But with every mention her eyes grow fonder, to the photos.
Her heart grows weary of ultimately what is...
How can all life be shifted on a paramount of frustration and uncontrolled will?
The words said were not right.
They were not even close.
And she knows they were so young.
She looks at the innocence on their faces
and recounts the way it used to feel.
"God it was magic"
She closes her eyes and touches her face in a slow downward motion.
These were the moments that she rejected for so long.
"He is nothing anymore"
She looks into the air and she knows those words are untrue,
because her memories come to life in small instances of his name.

10/24/2001

There are times when I look out this window
and I only see the things standing in my way.
And I can't see the beauty of the rain.

Falling upon the leaves making the whole tree quake.
The eyes of all insecurities rest on my head.
And I scurry to the corner and bury what's left of my will
and then relax in pity.

And the wind rattles the window calling me.
As I glare to the pane,
the previous occupier of fear,
was being blown away.

And suddenly I want to go outside.
How small we all seem when life opens up her mouth
and swallows us whole.

09/22/2001

The air is dense and chalky.
The sky scattered and broken.
The feeling of complete separation is cutting in.
Your words like glue bond us together.
Let them try to cut us apart.
I cling to the clouds where the world seems much less complicated.
looking down
What do you make of things?
Portions of puzzles lay scattered.
Hears and legs bending to help in mending.
Up here everything is clearer.
Why can't everyone find faith and love?

_______________________________________________

October 2001

There were so many things I wanted to say to him.
As he spoke I could feel his words grabbing and shaking my brain.
But there is only one way into someones soul.
How do you get to know someone so completely.
To predict movement and thoughts.
How long it has been since I have felt figured out.
How well do we know ourselves?

07/04/2001

I'm all alone now,
except for my heart
and we're not speaking right now.

I guess I will speak to the sky.

To everything I was supposed to write in it.
All the things I was to do.
And fate can smile my way,
because I have found my voice.

My heart is only decided on the particulars of love.
My life headed in every direction,
but North.
My life goes on

06/16/2001

There is no way I am this unlucky.
No way fate's plan was to laugh eternally at every aspect of my life.
Yet after every big occurrence, and so on, this seems to be the outcome.
Almost as though luck were this unattainable thing,
that it seems the stupidest people have mastered.
And looking at their continual success it becomes more evident,
that I am the biggest klutz on this walk of life.
To continually fall on my face,
and repeat that lesson.
This is my life.
The real definition of luck is lost to me.
But unlucky?
Well that would have to be at every angle.
Having everything fall apart,
or worse blow up in your face.

06/15/2001

And now when I see him there is no sunshine in his eyes.
There can be no butterflies.
His hair no longer holds shine.
And his eyes now wander the planet.
The magnetic sensation is gone.
We are now bipolar.
His words are empty and hook detached.
I am not drawn to his voice.
His arms are less inviting.
His smell no longer intoxicating.
His touch now pushes me away.
There may be beads in my eyes,
stillness in my heart when he comes near.
Breathlessness when stuck in a glance,
but not because of love.
As me, but there is no response.
For these feelings are new to me.
I have never fallen out of love before.
And the concept is new to me,
that someone who has seen so deep into your soul
can give you back everything
without making it seem like the hardest thing ever done
in the history of man.
__________________________________________________
The only quarrel I have is with sense.
It only appears when it wants to.
Only encompasses full confusion and fuses it into its own,
when you least expect it.
Then left,
confusion seemed more sensible.

06/14/2001

There is always one way to start something new,
and that is with a solitary word.
The imaginable pain of relieving the past of it's duty to sit and taunt us.
As the word escapes a new history is created. We are beginning the story again.

__________________________________________________________

It is always in the middle of madness you find sanity.
In the middle of age and inspirations,
we get thwarted in the right direction
without even knowing direction exist at this point.
And once out of these loops you realize you lose your place.
Always prepared to go in any direction possible.
There is a calm in having an extreme ego.
You know you are right all the time.
You know there is no other place that suits you,
closer than in your own mirror.
It is a lonely place to be.
Especially in the depths where you are not what you expect of yourself.
The stage in your mind dims its lights.
Mental darkness, fuzzy self perceptions, and the ego disappears into the back.
This lonely place is now where I am.
Only because I held the ultimate self image, only to push everyone away,
and I have.

02/28/2008

I have strayed.
So far from my life plan.
So far from what I decided my life was to be.

In some ways I feel saved.
Because that life was so empty.
And now I am full.

It is hard to let go or change expectations we have for ourselves,
but it is possible.
And it is okay to change.

It is okay that things never work out as planned or envisioned.
It is okay to be simple and choose happiness.
It is okay.

02/28/2008

After everything what else is there to feel.
I only ask because I think that is where I am.
In between everything and nothing,
but just wanting to feel something.

Just wanting to be whole once again.
I enjoy the sun setting, soft glow upon the world
and how rich it makes everything look.
But then I think of you, and how you look in that light.
I am devoted to this.
To the urge to be whole.
But have no idea where I am.

Just here between everything and nothing,
I feel so far from you.

Like it has been a billion years since I loved you.

If I could sing any song to let you know how I felt,
any song to show all I am feeling
it would have to be that one
where they realize how love makes all else disappear,
and only death can stop them.
But it's hard to be the only one emitting passion.

10/06/2007

I hope they remember the laughing and hugs.
The blown kisses, and warm snuggles.
The lullabies and morning sleep-ins.
I pray they cherish the togetherness, the center.
The meaning.
I try to gently introduce the world,
to my world,
it gets hard to watch innocence dry up
shriveling to a tiny ball kept deep inside.
_____________________________________________________

In the crease there is a shadow,
in the dark it is quiet.
And you can hear every rain drop fall.
There is no laying on the grass staring at the dew.
So far below the heavens,
so close to six feet below.
The dew slides down an inch of grass to the earth.
And absorbs to dust and mud.
Clouds move and the dew becomes glitter
sprinkled upon a low world.
Reach to the heavens.

______________________________________________________

Waiting impatient
I follow my mind around
It visits the photos in my room,
It visits it's quiet corners.
It seems to circle earlier conversations.
Waiting pressures my will to stretch,
expand,
and tower my impulsive urges.

10/06/2007

Those clouds look familiar,
but I love the rain.
The sound starting so soft
and then building up like an uncontrolled burst.
It's days like this when the rain pours,
I realize I have not broken through the clouds in a long time.

___________________________________________________

Perfection cannot recognize itself in the mirror,
and the dinge of time layers itself on everyone.
As we are weighted down by our own filth,
we do not move fluid with the universe.
Up the current,
and tired we force away from progress.
Purity cannot look at itself anymore.
We are all tainted.
We are all humbled.
But in our imperfection we find moments.
And they take parts of us,
and carry those bits to a place;
we spread unconsciously around the world.
To become
again
part of the universe.

07/2007

I like when the lights are off
and it looks so bright outside
at eight PM.
Or the way my heart pounds
when I see you.
Even in a picture in my mind.
And I work out our entire life together
and its perfect.
Except that that's not how it is.
I really  have stepped into some kind of cement.
Where I don't realize how stuck I am until I try moving.
And I keep lying,
telling myself just a little longer.
But I feel like sometimes if I had a choice to fly,
I'd grab my baggage and soar so far.
It would all become a tiny dot in my past,
and I'd finally be breathing and laughing until my side hurt.
Rolling down hills of tomorrow and really living.

06/02/2001

I am glad I met you.
For if not I would have never laughed so hard.
Never loved so long.
Never known that look in your eye,
or the touch of your hand.
I would not have a beautiful life,
full of children and soul.
When I looked at a sunset
the colors would not seem that bright.
The stars hold so much purpose now.
I'm glad I loved you this way.
And always will.

09/13/2002

There was a point,
and it passed.

Now through doors flying open
 I see a meadow of thoughts blooming now.

The winter in my heart is over.
The cold has passed.

My bright sunflower smiles
and doves light the sky
with pure white wings flapping
and flying to those clouds,
which are rolling by.

Never going to stop again.

05/09/2001

Some things we begin,
and others we just jump in the middle of it.
It is hard to tell at what point we actually know what we are getting into.
Time is cut short
 and there is now way of telling what could have happened.
And we start these cycles over again.
The imitation of art is life.
And who defines the art we make.

02/24/1999

Dear whoever is listening,

In a room with red lights and shag carpet I attempt to unleash some feelings.
Here on this piece of paper,
like an artist with clean canvas.
Somewhere in the artificial world I created, I realized it was wrong.
Somewhere some night I realized the person standing there was not me.

Cushioned between morals that were worn and showing their nakedness, I pulled out. Reevaluating my situation. Who was I listening to? Who's life am I leading?
However abrupt these questions came falling down in front of me, I seemed happy.
I was a dreamer. Who disguised her life until there was only a nightmare.
A cold desolate place visited everyday.
No road ever finished.
Then out of the clouds a light, a savior.
Choice.
The fact I have a choice,
but the choices there were created by me. But created in advance.
Now I have to decide what road to repair.
But it's sunny, I am happy, knowing direction has no meaning.
Because I can always turn back.

Sincerely,
Who cares

02/14/1999

I'm standing here on a line.
A line I drew.
So of course the argument on both sides is good.
And of course I can't make up my mind.
In the middle every way looks the same.
Which confusion is like a night.
Life that assists death.
Questions I assume I know the answer for.
What! Why?
Jump onto a definite road.
That it leads straight to chaos.
Rest on my feet because it seems stable.
My feeling show when his back is turned.
So now I'm back on that damn line.
And it really does all look the same........
from here.

Anytime I stray from this position,
I end up going right back.
Afraid of where I'll end up.
She tells me to close myself off and walk.
Open my eyes when it feel right.
If I end up?
Where will it feel right?
Erase the lines and I'm still nowhere.
At least anywhere I go will be somewhere.

01/09/2008

I have carried a lie in my head.
I tried to tell you, but you saw through it.
I carried a lie on my lips, but you kissed it away.
I carried a lie in my heart, but you left and took it with you.
Now I carry the question, can you love me?
Did my lies break you?
Did my lies destroy the binding of our hearts?
Pain, and suffer I do.
All too often in this place.
My ears devour the words of others,
and I embrace them to a fault.
I let these words come and control my heart,
control my head.
And in my weakened moments of shame they lash out.
Words which fly like darts to the center of your love for me,
and now it lies wounded and broken.
If only I was stronger.
I would say for everyday I did not think of you,
I have had a million thoughts over.
You are forever on my mind.
Forever in my heart.
If only i was wiser and loved myself,
as you do.

01/7/2008

I am rubble.
A heap of blasted waste scattered on the ground, covering everything with chalky disdain.
Although you try and clean yourself of me,
I stick and dirty you.
I wish I could blow away,
never to hurt you anymore.
Oh how glorious a structure we are,
Yet I sabotage and break these things.
Now as I cover and spread I realize you are cleaned of me.
And I remain rubble
scattered.

01/06/08

I have no doubt you are the love of my life.
No doubt my heart races when I see you.
The smell of you when you are surrendering all to me.
The taste of a deep passion on my tongue.
Please caress me with your words.
Drive your hands around me and wrap yourself to my soul.
Hang on tight,
and I will mold myself into you
as a welded piece of art, we are intertwined and perfect.
We are each others safety and cushion.
Please remember how bright you shine in me.
My star,
guiding me through a dark world,
giving a light to my soul.
O how I adore you,
love you
and cling to you.
My love.

July 2007

There you are again.
Right where I left you
in the back of my mind, far away from my heart.
The more you try to loose something
the more excuses you make to hod onto it.
My heart beats so loud,
and I can only try to calm myself by convincing
all of me, it is not a good idea to pursue this.
It is not what I really want,
and someday I will be happy
and not have to hide anyone away
in the back of my mind.

_____________________________________________________
Stranger
It happens that I know you,
better than you know yourself.
It seems to me you know this look
and that is why you are backing up.
In some distant memory you had a picture of a life.
A story played out so perfect in time,
but life has a ways of editing even in our minds.
And although you know what I will say,
It can change at any moment.
There is a part here I am not sure of,
and sometimes I sit to wonder who I am.
But most of tall where did you go?
That person I knew.
Who is this before me that I can't take my eyes from,
eyes so familiar,
but i don't know that smile.
So content and bright,
no I don't know you after all.

09/19/2001

I can't be honest with you.
When our eyes meet a wall goes up,
and I fall to its grandeur.
How can I compete with brick and stone.
Breaking you would crush me,
and there aer too many variables to consider.
I believe in sacrifice,
and I believe someday all things revealed
will clear the path for me to your hear and mind.
I'm afraid of what you become when anger controls you.
When there are ghosts from your past looming on your shoulders,
and whispering in your ears.
I feel that I am no longer talking to you,
but to someone different,
with something I do not understand. 

____________________________________________________________

Against my skin your words bounce.
Against my skin your body wraps me in sin.
Against my skin and I still can't feel.
What is this layer on me?
What is this substance absorbing all these things,
but letting nothing in?
Against my skin you brush by,
only a small touch,
but I feel it all over.
Like a small tidal wave of currents over my body.
Against my skin the weight of the world breaks me,
and I wait to touch you again.

09/18/2001

If we go chase our dreams,
we will never know where the spot we are in would lead us.
I can't stand still with you.
My heart is so far away.
I look through you
 and you see me falling back on that dead end dreamless street.
My feet remember this spot,
I always return here.
I hear a sound and I am in the past.
I smell and I see a girl who knew nothing,
making these mistakes.
I keep returning to.
Dreaming reminds us to keep going,
and I know now I have always followed my dreams,
with no regard to the abstract pathways my sleep creates.
My subconscious is fleeting,
and with age comes reality and a thin layer of faith.
Happiness stands between you and the clear truths of life.

09/01/2001

I'll walk away thinking you were telling the truth.
I will walk thinking I can keep my head high.
I will never know what road you are on.
I don't know what direction you are walking,
because you never told me.
I take it upon myself to think I understand what you said.
Words never make it better,
but if you could just reach out and touch me maybe I would know.
Watch me walk.
See if you feel anything, seeing me like that.
Learn to catch my air.
Run and grab my wrist pull me in your world.
Let's see what happens.
Walk away from me when you need to be that way.

09/01/2001

Don't go down that street.
If you do you will see the spot where we kissed.
You will remember the way my hair felt slipping through your fingers.
We undressed in the air floating our feelings,
fishing for things we knew we would not catch inside of each other.
You will see the spot you fell to your knees and looked in my eyes.
Your hand held mine and you were saying things I never heard.
But that was our world.
The cracks in the pavement, trees in odd spaces hanging over our heads.
Don't go there,
pretending to be fine.
You'll only end up in the past watching ghosts.
Just go with her,
and find a new place.

08/29/2001

I give the key to anyone I think can undo the lock.
And where does this leave me?
In the side of your pupil.
Tracing the curves of your eyes down to the arch of your back.
Sliding down to your heels where I lay,
waiting to return to your eyes.
That is only one instance.
The others raid my heart which is in some cryogenic state at this point.
The sun on my face warms my brain.
Tears trickle down and dry.
Sticking to my fingers as I wipe them aside next to my cheek bones.
Where does your soul escape on those days?
Flying to touch the clouds.
And from your eyes I see the world.
It is easier than dealing with my own faults.
How is it I though I knew you?
That somehow I was in your head.
You did let me glimpse at a small side of you.
When you turn your head and your profile seemed so clear.
Maybe I should put on my glasses.
I fear someday I will give so little no one will ever understand.
Not the way you did, for that second I lived in your eyes.

08/28/2001

So have i finally found dreams do not exist?
Flights of fancy drive those hidden elements of life to the surface,
where then reality and logic demolish chances and moments.
His lips were just against mine,
but now he is pressed between another and paths and direction.
There is no hope left in dreams.
No love left that I can find.
And I have tried patience.
I have searched desperately still in my soul, I know I am not meant to be lonely.
Here painting these sighs and woes to myself,
lonely is an emotion I am accustomed to waking with.
I miss his soft hands touching mine,
reminding me what closeness was.
His eyes memorizing deep impressions,
 the darkness shown through feeling his breath on my neck,
my body tense waiting for the exact moment he would softly grab my arms and gently pull me into his.
If I closed my eyes I have the vision catalogued,
so to return to that moment is only a mere second.
But awake I am.
This moment gone.
The feeling desolate and dry like this pit left in my stomach.
Yet no one knows we shared these moments.
Save he and I.
The secret to bare burdens of regret.
Still it was harmless, pardon the expression, fooling around.
Tell my heart that when she is on a rampage,
devouring anything close enough and making it her own.
Only to be left with nothing but this ache.
My arms wrap myself to try and embrace the impression he left on my body.

08/13/2001

Why do we need love?
Why do we get hopeless?
And I still kiss him knowing nothing can be the way we would want.
When my head touches ground I have to remember to tell my brain,
all the things it seems to be lacking.
And I think I am strong,
but my seams fall down when he touches me.
Back to the needy, wanting, and blind living.

08/09/2001

Come trace the lines around me.
Practice my ways and move through time.
Without realizing my mistakes.
There was no way to know how surely good we were for each other.
So time showed to us what common sense neglected.
And how better the Truth can be,
when you are running away.
How can it be we are cornered by ourselves sometimes.
Without any warning we are taken in direction we never perceived.
Easing back down to the ground, there are common things in a different light.
Now I see everything for this moment,
as it drifts away from sight.
I knew it all for seconds.
Tracing lines around you,
trying to get a clear picture.

08/09/2001

Not every moment is breathless or silent.
And not everything can be filled with words.
There is no place to search but inside.
Looking into the painting and the smiles,
you are not capable of words.
There is too much pain in expecting.
But such joy in deliverance.
How can you help but wait and want.
Time is impatient when it wants to be.
Things slide by and you try to reach them,
but there is no way to grasp it.
Holding on to seconds,
how does it happen one forgets?
That power is drained from you,
and there is no way to retrieve those things once they are gone.

07/28/2001

It is always the same time every year when things start seeming the same.
When days ripple by like small reflections of the past.
The rain is steady.
There were times that sound wouldn't stop for days, and all the world was washed.
New to the eyes.
Crisp clear visions can form, and one feels relieved of the past.
But it is just that seconds ago, weeks, years, dreams ago when things were simple.
When the meanings themselves were simple.
I just want to sit outside where I feel closer to these memories.
The rain soaks me as it has times before.
Drenching my hair and I am showered.
My clothes damp and clingy.
The weather has so much to offer the soul.

_____________________________________________________________

And I am here with my shadow.
Chasing it in circles on the page with words I have thought a million times.
In spaces I have filled with vague description and light.
Chasing down my thoughts with a pen.

10/31/00

The air is crisp and smells like rain.
The things I see creeping around the corner of my eye,
disappear when I try to look at them.
I wish someday I could see beneath the shadows.
The night comes quickly and I know sweet things will be dancing around the street, playing with the corners of my eyes.

____________________________________________________________
I could tell by the way he stood out in the picture.
It looked like if you cut him out the picture would still be complete.
His eyes would still be searching to the side looking around somewhere you cant' see.
His hair scrambled by the wind, and he stands like he is intensely content.
Surrounded by people yet in every picture he looks utterly alone.
_____________________________________________________________

The world thinks it is just another day.
But you know the truth.
You know her soul is being ripped out of her body.
And thrown in to the sky.
Damn life, damn death, damn the world, damn unpredictable, unstoppable, unchangeable fate.

04/01/1999

What is in a shadow?
A dark dancing image.
An abstract art of light.
The bending, and still portrait of a silent world.
_____________________________________________________

Even thinking before you speak doesn't prevent you from saying regrettable things. It doesn't make you feel more confident.
Even looking before you jump doesn't prevent you from falling.
It doesn't stop pain and suffering.
Knowing that nothing turns out the way you want doesn't stop you from trying.
And we are intelligent life forms?
Subjecting ourselves to criticism, passiveness, slavery of mind?
Never breaking free for the right reasons.
_______________________________________________________

I carry this book around.
Put my thoughts down.
So I can remember.
Yet my whole mind sits.
In the cracks I retain, and someday will call upon these memories like raising the dead....
for the purpose of remembering.
Not like I can go back and change anything.
So why remember?
It wouldn't' be learning from my mistakes, only the mistakes people made to me. I f that makes any sense.

02/23/1999

I love the way he caresses the night with soft music and electric eyes.
But it isn't hard to tell why anyone would love someone like that.
It isn't hard to be afraid of everything he has to offer.
Or to be intimidated by someone so innocent.
What made me shake and fear everything I perceived in my mind.
I have no idea what I'm trying to say.
I can hardly think straight.
I feel like nothing is simple anymore.
And he still thinks it is.
now, the ind is blowing like crazy, and I'm trying to take it all in.
Because maybe I'm afraid someday the wind won't blow.
He doesn't really like the wind.
None of them do.
How can you not like something tat is so alive and everywhere?
It touched everywhere.
It smells like a million things.
Maybe I need to find someone in love with the wind...
___________________________________________________________

Patience, quiet, heart break, pin drop.
Laughing only at myself.
He lies and I do the same.
It's not easy to have everything and more.
I generally never get anywhere by trying.
What am I supposed to say when everything sounds so good?
Why don't I know what I really want?
Why can't God tell me, or someone?
Why the hell can't I just know?

bury this 01/30/1999

It feels like you have been buried underground screaming,
and every "I love you"
Or words like "trust"
are huge boulders being strategically placed on top of you.
You memorize whet your going to say,
and how you will say it.
And then the moment your eyes meet,
you are breathless.
Then you escape by a soft touch on the arm.

Sky 01/26/1999

There is something about the sky that is comforting.
Something, that in my weakest moments, I feel calms and connects me back together.
Maybe it is the constant-ness of it.
Or its unchanging positions.
No matter what there is always the sun, moon, and stars.
The clouds can change.
Storms can occur.
But all in all, the sky is the same.
It relates to my life.
No matter what happens to me, I remain the person I always was.
Stars can die.
People can die.
Stars are born.
People are born.
This unfolds the unchanged truth that humans and nature are connected.
Life and death, life and nature.
The sky seems purest on a summers day when no clouds are in the sky.
Or on a clear night when all the starts are there, and the sky is naked revealing itself in all it's depth and beauty.
Very comforting to know that when everything is removed,
everything is beautiful.

01/16/1999

No mater how many times I go threw the same things I never learn.
Maybe I'm addicted to the faces of my loved ones being disappointed.
Or the criticism always being the same.
I must fear doing the right thing in return that people will expect it.

_______________________________________________________

The flowers lay still on canvas.
He had a vision.
A masterpiece dream.
Only few express with such clarity.
She dressed the sadness with a lilac dress and yellow sweater.
The animals passing on the corner could smell her depression.
At a table in a diner sat a women smoking a cigarette.
Across from an old grandfathers clock.
She recalled something like that in a dream she had a week ago.
As the door opened and a man with a masked face sat down beside her.
His dream of an aging beauty resting against a telephone pole outside.
All moments away from a plane crash. Years away from death,
and all living through visions.
I see you in each of these.
And the flowers on the canvas are displayed at a lovely $6.45 entrance fee.
Remembered because of the passion in his eyes.

Asphalt 01/16/1999

Laying naked on asphalt.
In the middle of this tow way street.
5 steps away from your house.
Outside.
Yeah outside the weathers great.
The air is clean.
The rain feels great!
Just when I pulled up to a pot hole of beauty.
3 steps away form loneliness,
on your front porch.
Silence was all we ever talked about.
We practiced nothing, and damn were we good at it.
Hands on the wheel spinning while Vanna White practices her fake smile.
Grandma could have made a lot of money.
Laying naked on fresh grown weeds.
On her grave.
5 steps away from grandpa.
Butterflies and pearly buds of closed daisies hang around here.
Where do I want to be?
Laying naked..

01/16/1999

Natural selection, in the sky.
Everything I ever wanted, in the sky.
I can close my eyes, but that will never get me there.
Burdens of paper floating like clouds in waters of tears.
Built up of toothpick fantasies flying over a bridge of anxiety.
I can look to the ground, under dirt and cores of burning molten.
But where would I find you?

In the dark corners of a bar, playing let me sink the ball for five dollar pints.
Or would I catch a glimpse of you beside the sunny sunny smile of someone I never told.
There will never be a rain storm over the sea.
In the sky there is a star.
A sailors moon and a bottle of Potters vodka waiting for you.
Bait or not,
flying past me or not.
To the nearest BP for a refill on your ego.
But there is a dream I have where I'm flying in the sky near you,
and that is close enough.

Nostalgic 11/17/1998

There was that one day, a long time ago...
When all I worried about was the next time I got ice cream.
Kicking sand up in the air clinging on the monkey bars.
Holding the wooden frame to the slide, while someone counted to 100 to come searching.
Picking daisies and playing with GI Joe figures in bark dust.
Watching the dolphin fountain spontaneously spurt water scaring my cat.
Making an adventure out of killing the black widow in our swing set,
by drowning it out of the metal pole.
Trying to ride our dog like a horse.
Curling up in a bed with my sisters just to take out our sticker books and peel back he stickers in the dart to see electric sparks.
Watching for the morning star on Easter and wearing those plastic jellies that made your feet sweat to high heaven, but as long as there was ice cream in the world none of the bad stuff mattered.

First love 11/10/1998

Googly eyes, and crooked smiles.
Gazing off and giggling loud.
Oh to be in love.
Waiting by the phone as long as it takes,
because you know he's asking you out sooner or later.

Then there's the contact,
the sweaty palms and blushing cheeks.
The loss of voice ant beating heart.
Let's not forget the anticipation, the slobbering, kissing, holding, breathing, panting, moaning, caressing, wishing.

One day you wake up and the kissing becomes sour,
the hugs are too tight.
The eyes are distant and to the sky.
The sweaty palm is now you fist about to fly across his face.
Oh to be in love.

Drowning 10/09/1998

The water splashed in an uproar as the body broke through the peaceful surface.
From in the water the sky was a blue blur with dark green edges.
Air escaped where it could, causing bubbles swirling to the surface.
The body continued to sink,
and the sky turned to a dark green box with a line of light getting smaller and smaller.
All it would have taken was one great plunge for the light,
but even that was too hard.
The sinking wouldn't last forever.

09/22/1998

No one ever asks the real questions they want to know,
because they are afraid of the answers.
I'm not going to ask,
then will I ever find that love.
I dare not look for someone who will be true.
No one finds what they are looking for,
because what is to be happens when we least expect it.
So why then,
do I sit expecting and trying so hard to find what will appear to me in time?

When the world turns around your head
and the stars fall all at once into position of adoration,
you never ask why.
Maybe we expect to ask because we no there is no answer,
and because we are only trying to find what we already know.

No one ever tells you when you are doing well,
because then you would be doing wrong.
So it never unwinds from a mistake,
only what was going to be the best experience of a lifetime.

08/11/1998

It's all about forgetting what's important to you,
and realizing it when it's too late.
Then you find yourself questioning everything while building up your material wealth.
You try to find comfort in simple pleasures, but you've been taught only to measure your existence by your belongings.
You see those with nothing who seem to be at peace

So then...

It's about letting go, and gathering yourself.
Creating thoughts to share and you question others.
You start to live and realize life goes by from the ages of 12 to 20,
and you don't want to blink because you forget the way it feels to laugh.

So then...

It's all about you, and your happiness.
You need to be sad to be smiling,
and you need to suffer to feel relieved.

Then it's left to remembering and analyzing a life that you never really lived yet tried to create.
Reasoning out that you are not a perfect entity,
but merely a human who has the capacity to forgive.
And with that you forget,
and with all this you have lived.

waiting 07/29/1998

If it could fall like leaves of autom, spinning dizzy to the ground,
I want no piece of it.
And if it can break like an old wooden chair into a millon splinters that jab and sting,
than I want no real pain.
There is a chance that it can grow roots whcih cling to the ground,
and become one with the soil.
It may drink from the living water and grow into an incredible sight,
but that is up to chance.
Time spent still like hands winding aroudn a clock never knowing when to stop.
Craving a change, but staing inth motion.
What can anyone do, but wait to break.
Stand the pain and enjoy the continuous falling and winding back up that life has to offer.
For if we never do any of these things
we will never learn how to become roots.

Hungry 07/25/1998

We were all standing in a line which lead up to a big cliff.
At the front of the line people would place all of their money and jewelery down, and then jump.
They would scream in horror as their bodies fell to a rocky shore below.

I stood in that line.
I watched people give all of themselves materially, then I saw them jump.
As I got closer to the top I tried to realize what was the purpose.
I tried to find an answer in that purpose.
Somewhere in my mind I knew it wasn't right.
When I was a few people from the front I asked the woman ahead of me.
"Why are you here?"
She looked up at the sky and said, "I don't know."

I watched as she took off her necklace and clothes.
Then plunged herself over the edge.
I heard her screams and knew she was dying for no reason.
So I turned around and stared at the people behind me.
Eager to be at the front of this line.
I was thinking, "should I be the first to go silently?"
Then I thought, "should I even go?"

No conclusion was met so I stepped out of line.
I bared myself of my belongings and walked away from the cliff.

"Where are you going?" someone shouted.
I stopped and looked at the line again.
I saw a woman holding a baby.
I saw an old man hanging on to a young man.
I realized there was more to life than this line.
There was more to life than dying.
I realized I wanted to live.

"I'm going" I said, "to get something to eat."
I resumed walking away.
Some pondered my action and followed.
Others flung themselves off of the cliff.
I walked until there was no line.
I walked until there were no more screams.
Then I sat,
and was hungry to live.

07/15/1998

I'd like to think that there are two worlds.
One of color and sound,
and one of shadows and silence.
Worlds existing side by side,
glimpsing at one another to meet somewhere in harmony.
As clouds dance on the sky and night focuses on nothing
These worlds touch.
If I were in a world of color and noise,
screaming from my eyes to the extent of my shadow,
would I be happy to be a beating drum or a dancing array of light?
Then in silence and shadow I would be content knowing only illusions of life
and dark pieces of a world unnoticed
and unchanged.
At night both worlds are hidden. No color engulfed by silence.
Anxiously awaiting something to change and jump out of place.

Masks 07/15/1998

If to constantly live in fear is not at all living, than to constantly be afraid of being yourself is false living.
I try and comprehend how someone could altar their own beliefs and thought to be like everyone else, or somehow unique.
I try to understand how someone can think they have friends when they are never their true selves.
When someone contradicts themselves day by day, only to have the strangest life, most traumatizing experience or the most tragic medical condition.
It's hard to watch someone's attitude change every time they meet someone new.
To see their lifestyle go through a shock wave because it's cool to be unhappy or have a complicated life.
It's absolutely stressful to know someone so plastic and no break them every time they open their mouth.
And lastly, its frustrating to know the person, really know the person
and watch them create different masks to wear around the different variety of people.
It's frightening when they put on a mask for you!

06/29/1998

It will hit you when you lay there at night with only your pillow to caress.
When you think you hear someone whispering in your ear,
but it is really the wind running past your window.
When you think you feel her leg against yours,
but it is just the sheet wrapped around you.
You will wake up cuddling with emptiness.
Your arms wrapped around dark air.
You feel cold and alone.
You roll over and bury you head into the pillow you once held so tight.
That is when it will hit you.
When the spot next to you  no longer holds my warm body,
but instead a cold spot on your mind.

Traces of trance

The shine turns to dust.
The moon is a memory.
Life becomes a mold of two beings on a faded matress.
Forever is a golden sparkle which never loses shine.
Hair becomes like guitar strings, worn out by life's songs.
Roads become highways.
Gardens are over grown.
Chores are finally finished.
Some left undone.


*the arguments are endless circles which we need o stop and fling ourselves out of*

It's all about you 06/26/98

In my heart there is a whisper of your name, and it speaks when I am sleeping , and when I'm awake it sings me on.
But on those nights when speech is difficult,
 and words are expressed by rose petals and extended arms,
 it's all about you.
Those days when a blue-green sky is bulging out from under grey clouds.
And you step foot into a misty wold,
you search for soul in conversation,
and the sun like a dying ember glistens by the rain.
It captures itself in eyes of any color which I find staring back at me.
But these moments are all about you...
Entangling the you and me and knotting up our spirits,
chasing those whispers from my heart to a silent "I love you" in my ear.

About her 08/29/2001

She flinches when anyone gets that close.
She crawls down to her knees and wraps herself in isolation.
She hears the echos of his voice but hesitates to answer.
There is one door she will never enter.
Content living in the valley.
He approaches as if on strings; fast, floppy movements he approaches with the grace of a frog.
From miles away she still frightens easily.
With a  voice like a hissing cat she answers his calls.
Building walls around every entry point she has.
Her leg shoots out of the darkness on feminine stilts.
As her hips lead the way from the shadows his jaw slags.
Magnetic eyes to every curve she has to offer, where did passiveness elude her?
The magnets draw them close, but distance is all she knows.
His words roll, but she hears the same as always.
Tiresome they seem, but familiarity has the weight that snaps her defenses.
How funny, she thinks
that so much times goes to build walls and so little effort to destroy them.
Now faster they fall to that place where everything is simple ans you never feel threatened, just vulnerable and eager.
She wanted so bad to play it safe and reserve her all.

Off of a napkin 02/22/1999

2-22-99

Sometimes I feel like there are pieces of me scattered all over the world, and I can never be whole until I find them.
But I feel more like myself every time I see the sun rise, or every time the wind blows past me.
I feel more complete when a stranger comforts me than a loved one.
And I'm sick of asking questions.
I just want to do everything.
Jump without looking.
I don't care if I fall.
I don't care if I break.
If I hurt.
If I can never laugh.
Because I did one thing...
I jumped.
Tempting fate if you believe in that.
At these moments when I go with my feelings I am everywhere.
I am whole, I laugh, and fall, and cry and hurt because I feel everything within seconds.
Lifetimes pulsating threw me.
There are those in this world which feel and nothing else matters.
They are true to themselves.
Which reflects on everyone.
They are in love, true love, eternal and always.